Grief sucks. Yes I said it. Its a perpetual rollercoaster of up and down emotions. I feel like I’m on the biggest six flags rollercoaster where there are real lows and then real highs. Grief comes in waves of loving fond memories that propel you forward mixed with longing for that person knowing you can never have them back. There are a lot of moments of “what if” questions bombarding your mind and soul.
If you let it, grief can consume you. It is triggered by moments in time, songs, smells and conversations. It’s a struggle at times to pick yourself up and move past those moments because they are plagued by a feeling of loss of control. Death of a loved one is usually not by choice, it is a point in your destiny that was predetermined by a higher power. So how do you live with grief? No person grieves the same way. It’s a very personal journey and there are no right or wrongs. There are dysfunctional ways but definitely not only one acceptable way to grieve.
In my case, just because thank Gd I look good externaly (takes hard work by the way) does not mean that I feel good all the time. Just because my life keeps moving with new relationships and opportunities doesn’t mean I am over my loss. For I am not only grieving my mom and husband’s death, but also the person I was when I had them in my life, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go to together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved ones and rather than recover, I want to incorporate their life and love into the rest of my and daughter’s life. They are a part of us and always will be, and sometimes we will remember them with joy and other times with a tear. I learned to be nonjudgmental of myself and accept that both are inevitable and ok…that’s what I’ve been conveying to my daughter as well. May Gd continue to give us the strength to keep going and keep my mom and husband’s memory alive… Amen