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Beyond Survival – My Road to Resilience Part 1

Hanukkah is a story of the resilience of the Jewish people, so I found resilience an appropriate topic to speak of in this week’s blog
My biggest worry after going through losing my Mom and Husband, especially at a relatively young age, is the obvious inevitability of ones own physical death or what’s scarier to me – dying while still alive.  Having the sudden realization of how short life is and how it can be taken away in a heartbeat brings up feelings that are unbearable at times. Almost like a PTSD of sorts. Of not being able to be who I am meant to be. Of taking the life Gd gave me for granted.  Of not spreading all the love I have to give. Of not accomplishing my purpose in this life without it being cut short. Of not living life the way I should be living it.  Of Gd forbid leaving my daughter without both her parents love and support. I know it seems paranoid and crazy but that’s what goes on in my mind 1000 times a day in between trying to remind myself to continue living and just count my blessings right now. 
These feelings are a constant inner struggle.  It’s a daily decision to let these concerns consume me or choose to push them away.  Actually the decision to fight these fears is what made me proritize becoming or staying a strong woman.  My experiences have changed me in profound ways I can’t even begin to fully explain. But it definitely did the following: 
  1. It made me want to stand more for myself and my needs. I learned that when I feel or am devalued to let it be known or walk away.
  2. I started investing more in myself and my daughter – taking an active role in maintaining health and happinesses 
  3. I learned to set boundaries and make my own decisions – become my own independent woman that can stand on her own two feet with or without someone by her side.
  4. I became less judgmental and more encouraging of others growth and happiness. 
  5. I learned my worth and became more confident and assertive. I learned to stay away from negativity.  I understand now that negativity says more about the person projecting it than it does about me. 
  6. I chose to be strong despite the fear and anxiety of falling apart – a constant battle – it’s a conscious decision that I will let no one break my spirit.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Final taught, life is like a bowl of chocolates and you never know what you will get. But I learned to appreciate the different flavors cause they are all here to give you a taste of reality. Sometimes sweet, sour, bitter or just right. They all bring their own emotions that have to be savored,  digested and acknowledged before and while moving on forward with renewed understanding and hopeful zest for life. 



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